Longing as a Portal
To tenderness, peace, god
Don't surrender
your loneliness so quickly.
Let it cut you more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
as few humans and even
divine ingredients can.
Something missing
in my heart tonight
has made my eyes so soft,
my voice so tender,
my need for God
absolutely clear.HAFIZ
See this poem alongside a timelapse art piece
I’ve been feeling a lot of longing lately. You?
Longing for collective connection to earth amidst climate crisis. Longing for accountability in the face of violence. Longing for transparency after acts of irresponsible leadership. Longing for belonging in community with others, and myselves. Longing for I-don’t-even-know-what in the presence of emptiness.
I have a dull, throbbing longing for Love. Love that feels easy and easeful, contagious in the face of on-going warfare, misunderstanding and unresolved wounds, ever-present love, a 360-degree hug with our every breath and step.
I have a deep, heart-hurting longing for Beauty, the kind that radiates from within and blesses everyone and everything in the vicinity with a sheerness, an awe, a reverence.
I have a vast, beseeching longing for God. God pouring out everywhere, dwelling clearly within me in moments of solitude and equally so while we’re gazing into each other’s pupils.
Perhaps longing feels so pervasive in part because I’ve been slowly eliminating some big distractions from it; substances, dating apps, working too much, doom-scrolling.
On a Friday night after the full moon, I sit by myself in a luxurious Brooklyn high-rise apartment of a friend, surrounded by houseplants, art that touts Veganism, and jewel-toned rugs beneath my feet.
It had been a social and electrifying week with lots of new experiences, big city energy and people with big personalities. And now, in this overdue solitude, throbbings of longing and loneliness are here to visit, demanding their space.
Solitariness can be so confronting after being in the company and energy of various others. In this transition, I find myself attaching to the fast pace even when I don’t often enjoy it. Settling into the pleasure, joy, and peace of being alone is a shift I have to be mindful of.
So I let my attention explore my longings, to look to it with curiosity, patience and attention. I cry.
“Dearest longing, what do you want me to be aware of?” I plea.
The right side of my chest pains. My shoulders curl inward. I burp two dozen burps. Then a big lioness yawn.
My mind wanders to various places. The loving voice that I offer others comes to remind me to come back to my breath. I’ve walked my clients through this somatic process hundreds of times, and to give it to myself in this moment is precious and necessarily.
I burp another dozen burps. The energy keeps moving.
I listen. I listen for God.
A sudden longing for transcendent, psychedelic experiences feels strong; I wanna take some mushrooms or LSD in the forest. The urge to plan for this emerges.
I see how that too can be an addiction, an escape from what is present now. Ultimately, it’s a longing to know and feel Godliness, magic, uncontrollable reverence.
I long for my truest self…
…And here, I have them.
When I behold this fact, I suddenly want to rip my clothes off and make love to myself. Longing intensifies and I want to explode and burst open in all directions.
My friend,
had recently told me about Hieros Gamos, the sacred marriage between inner masculine and inner feminine, between dark and light, between doing and being, between human self and divine self…Upon remembering my vast desire for this sacred inner union, my perineum pulses.
Chills wave through my body.
I see my ego-mind wanting visuals of this love-making between my selves, a passionate, lovingly lustful, all-encompassing erotica projected in my head.
Visuals don’t come, more chills and pulsing do, from toes up, legs, hips, chest, arms, more burps…
In a moment, after what felt like a whole trip in deep kairos time across about 1 hour of modern chronos time, I open my eyes and come back to the world, erupting to surface from cavernous waters.
I linger with myself anew, washed with acceptance, understanding, grief; so aware of my tender humanness...
Emotions subside.
My inner landscape feels like a still lake, there are no sounds, the air is empty.
The confrontations of longing have settled and softened, for now.
I vow to meet longing with patience and curiosity when it returns as it will, and to face its portal.
Blessed be the longing that brought you here
and quickens your soul with wonder.may you have the courage to listen to the voice of desire
that disturbs you when you have settled
for something safe.may you have the wisdom to enter generously
into your own unease to discover the new direction
your longing wants you to take.may the forms of your belonging –
in love, creativity, and friendship –
be equal to the grandeur and the call of your soul.may the one you long for long for you.
may your dreams gradually reveal the destination
of your desire.may a secret providence guide your thought and nurture your feeling.
may your mind inhabit your life with the sureness
with which your body inhabits the world.may your heart never be haunted by ghost-structures
of old damage.may you come to accept your longing as divine urgency.
may you know the urgency with which God
longs for you.JOHN O’DONOHUE
Upcoming gathering spaces:
~ There are currently 2 openings for the 1:1 Creative Alchemy journey
~ Alchemy Circle: Wednesday, 10/25 @ 12pm PST
A communal space for paid subscribers and clients to alchemize and transform a limiting belief related to the theme. We do this in collective contemplation, discussion and embodied release.
