Not Romance, but Addiction
On calling back energy and re-wiring
TLDR;
The push-pull
Not romance, but addiction
Withdrawal
Re-wiring identity
And you?
In 12-step recovery groups, I’ve often heard: Don’t get into any romantic or sexual relationships within the first year of recovery.
More than ever, I understand why.
The Push-Pull
Recently, I found myself in a situationship with someone who my inner 16-year-old would’ve called “the hottest guy I’ve ever dated.” Not only that, he was sweet, he wanted to meet my needs and give me joy through home-made meals, driving hours to see me, and a dreamy freaking smile. A gentleman perhaps…but one who was hella avoidant—dodging any real conversations about his own needs, fears, or emotional availability.
Our dynamic was also textbook push-pull: he’d retreat when I leaned in, and show up enthusiastically when I stepped back. More importantly, I became (even more) avoidant with him; it began to feel wrong and imbalanced to open my heart and be transparent with my feelings and desires.
It was a month and a half of chronos time—what felt like a year in kairos—my nervous system was on a wild rollercoaster with this avoidant baddie. I was wrecked. And honestly, I still am a bit.
So, I’m writing about it here to keep alchemizing these feels into lessons… 🥴❤️🔥