Releasing "Optional" Suffering
Pulling out the 2nd arrows with awareness, choice and action
I’ve been thinking a lot about The Buddhist parable of the Second Arrow.
It’s been an anchoring reflection in the seas of liberation work that allows for a bit more awareness, agency and action amidst the suffering.
The parable goes something like this:
A person is walking through the forest, they’re struck by an arrow. It’s painful AF….
Then, they begin to worry, “why does this always happen to me!?” “I’m so stupid, I should’ve packed my weapon!” “what if I bleed out here?!” “will I die here, all alone?!”
These reactive thoughts exaggerate the pain of the first arrow; these reactive thoughts to the first arrow are like being struck by yet another arrow.
Perhaps first arrow pain is:
Being alive right now to experience, feel and witness the brutality of modern day imperialism on our common humanity and our one planet
While there are- and may always be- actions we can take to “control”, influence and transform the first arrow pain, waves and waves of rage and grief are inevitable as abhorrent violence persists despite our demands for ceasefire and for basic human aid to be available to those who need it in Gaza, Darfur, Myanmar, and more
The tension and complexity of holding personal, interpersonal and global grief
Many of us are simultaneously navigating chronic pain or illness in our bodies, as well as loss and death in our proximate circles
The inevitable humanness of feeling all the feels despite the circumstances
I could be feeling frustration and sadness even when I have a lot to be grateful for. She could be accessing joy and pleasure even when there is crisis all around the globe. He could be feeling totally alone in the company of a bunch of people he loves
“In life, we can't always control the first arrow.
However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first.
The second arrow is optional.”
Buddha
According to this parable, being struck by a second arrow causes even more suffering.
Perhaps second arrow suffering is:
Shaming others for being “silent” or “complicit” during these times
Assuming and “calling out” people because of what we see or don’t see on social media in an attempt to manage the pain of all that feels uncontrollable right now
Reacting to this shame by urgently speaking or posting without introspection and education, and virtue signaling for the sake of performative activism
Falling down the despairing hole of thoughts like, “what’s the point?”, “nothing I do is going make a difference”, “I don’t have anything ‘relevant’ to share”
Withholding our purposeful and necessary gifts- perhaps less suited for media headlines- because it’s not the activism of nationally-organized anti-imperialist, climate activists using their bodies to blockade against weapons manufacturers for example
Personalizing first arrow pain as individual pathology
Regarding ourselves as “weak” or “too emotional” or “unproductive” because we’re having trouble “keeping up” and “thriving” with the inhumane pace of capitalist standards
Judging ourselves as “cowardly” when we’re unable to be ourselves as a queer, BIPOC in predominantly white institutions rife with discriminatory micro- and macro-aggressions, and resistance to intersectional equity and emotional intelligence
Dismissing, shaming or denying personal grief
Because we “should” be more grateful or happy, because we’re lucky to be alive and where we are
Because the grief of those in the midst of terror, brutality and genocide is ranked as “more” valid or urgent, and all the “levels” of grief can’t coexist without one “taking away” from the other
Problematizing the human feelings that we feel in any moment
“I shouldn’t feel sad because I have so much to be grateful for.” “I shouldn’t be joyful because there are a lot of people in pain right now.” “I shouldn’t feel angry at her because she’s my mother”, etc.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional,”
This quote- attributed to the Dalai Lama, Haruki Murakami, and M. Kathleen Casey- speaks again to the sometimes inescapable first arrow and the optional second arrow.
Even while a part of me feels annoyed at the responsibility that the word “optional” suggests here, another part of me knows that I, and we, have a choice with second arrow suffering.
It can sometimes be challenging to clearly discern between first arrow pain and second arrow suffering. None of this is black or white and it’s all nuanced, though this parable helps me reclaim some agency in my reactions.
Here’s how I’ve been pulling out the second arrows:
1. Acknowledging the presence of the first arrow and how it’s so much bigger than me or you.
2. Noticing my reactions to the first arrows that cause second arrow suffering.
3. Choosing to release the optional suffering and freeing up energy for so much more.
I acknowledge the privileges I have and recognize that it’s not about me or a moral superiority but about my responsibility to give, share and show up
I grieve, cry, scream, wail and process the grief and rage in community.
I do my best to sublimate it with my art and creative practices, with my devotional ritual practices, with my body movements and justice movements, with calling us into a circle of dialogue
I engage in spaces like the South Asian Femme Disruptors group where we meet and witness each other where we are, name the first arrow pains (like the cultural manifestations of patriarchy, colonial violence and apartheid), and fortify our resilience, sustainability and network of solidarity to keep showing up in our disruptive movements for peace, love and freedom
I keep calling and writing letters to my congressional reps to continue demanding a CEASEFIRE now
I share my dollars infused with blessings to support movements of orgs like:
I let people have their assumptions and projections on social media. I engage on social media with a regulated nervous system and disengage when I cannot stay regulated with it
I regulate my nervous system diligently and devotedly, knowing that I cannot enact loving and peaceful change from a dysregulated system
I meditate in silence to be guided on next right actions. I listen with curiosity and patience. I speak and share from my heart when I am guided to out of trust and groundedness, not fear or guilt. I accept that I still might say something wrong, too soon or too late
“Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Viktor Frankl
An awareness of the arrows can open up the power and space of choice to cease second arrow suffering in each moment as it arises. This is learning a new response to the first arrow.
It’ll apparently take a lot more for war-fueling governments to enact a ceasefire and stop perpetuating mass violence and destruction against men, women and children.
However, it doesn’t take as much for us to NOT BE AT WAR or causing more suffering WITH OURSELVES AND OTHERS from exactly where we are now.
Being in a holiday season, we may find ourselves dealing with the second arrow many, many times each day- in the judgments, frustrations and assumptions of and from others at the dinner table and beyond.
Let us not pierce ourselves with a third arrow by problematizing the presence of our second arrow suffering. Self-judgement for striking ourselves with the second arrow is not the point. The point is to be aware of our agency in relieving at least some suffering.
In my personal practice and facilitation with clients, I’ve witnessed how even just naming the first and second arrows releases some tension.
With a deep exhale and lowered shoulders, we see the choice to pull out and put down the second arrow, again and again, as needed.
Each time we do, we free ourselves, even a little, from suffering. And despite the first arrow pain, we free up energy to show up more fully for each other in this time.
May all beings be free.
Upcoming gathering spaces:
This is such a helpful framing. Thank you ♥️
Thank you