A Generative Space Between

Permission with Bansuri, bad art and sustainable activism

Commission for Mind & Life

When I met my Bansuri (flute) teacher almost a year ago, I promised him and myself that I would remain devoted and diligent with a daily practice. And so far in my journey with Bansuri, I have been.

Up until this month…

There have been multiple occasions recently when I’ve wanted to bash the windows with her stubborn ass bamboo.

My fingers were tightening and tensing up, my breath was labored as my my sides twinged with ache, my memory was muddle as I was ineffectively trying to grasp onto the ragas that I had known just a couple weeks ago. In experiencing a lot of what feels like “regression” lately, my inner critic is quick to spew out, “you’re still bad at this” or “what waste of time” and even contradictorily, “if you don’t keep practicing every day like you said you would, you’re going to get even worse.”

So then I find myself between a rocky hard binary of “practice everyday in this frustration” OR “miss days and get worse”. My commitment becomes a weapon of rigidity.

I’ve heard similar flavors of this dichotomy be expressed lately with my clients who are diasporic Palestinians, American and European activists; either “adapt to the genocide and allow it be normalized” OR “keep fighting, consuming media, and burning out.”

It’s like there are only two options (spoiler: there are infinite options, even if they aren’t known or understood yet). For a underresourced nervous system or a mind that wants desperately to anchor into something seemingly comprehensible, this binary thinking can be sticky and addictive.

A Space Between

I went out of town with friends a couple weekends ago and gave myself full permission for the first time in a year to not pack my Bansuri. I was cursing her (my flute) and was just fed up with our relationship- so I intuited that- like in any other relationship, space is needed sometimes.

Anthropomorphizing my flute helps me remember that we are in relationship and collaboration, especially as she is a piece of earth (bamboo and cork) that’s changing with the air, climate and time of day, much like me. Each time I sit with her, she may be different- as I am; and that it may take any amount of time to orient and meet one other where we each are. In the best relationships, this re-spect (being willing to look again, as

Shilpa Jain

first pointed out to me) is present in each new moment.

So I went 6 days in a row without practicing- a record since I started working with my teacher. Of course, I still tracked it on my devotion chart 🤓.

And when I came back to her a few days after my trip, I felt fluid and clear, and she seemed more open to receiving my breath. My fingers were not as much on a mission of sovereignty- twitching or tensing up, and years of slow mindful breath-training wasn’t pushing so hard against the quick sips of air that I need to take in between notes.

In exploring “a space between” with one of my young diasporic Palestinian clients, we took a “harm reduction” approach to the labor she was doing to both stay informed of what’s happening in Gaza and to inform the people around her. She’s always carried a fierce pride with going out each day adorned in Tatreez regalia and/or political t-shirts that express her politics and values. Lately, the fierce pride has edged on feelings of heaviness, grief and unmotivated. The natural desire to “hide” or protect herself from frequently having to take a stand or defend her community has come with the 2nd arrow suffering of guilt, shame and fear that she’s being a bad person and a bad Palestinian.

In acknowledging that she doesn’t always have to be blooming to the sun and exposed to the elements with her identities and perspectives, and that much like a flower, sometimes she needs to bud, protect and close, she accessed permission for herself to flow through her nuances and natural cycles. She remembered that giving herself space from the labor of “staying informed” and constantly educating others or outwardly representing her land or community is necessary for sustainability, which in turn generates more energy to do what she will inevitably be doing with more choice (rather than resentful or dissociated obligation). This in and of itself is liberation embodied at ground zero with herself and the Palestinian land living her cells and blood flowing through her body- even and especially in crisis on-going.

The space I took from Bansuri seemed to bring more cohesion and joy between us. Taking a break- while holding my devotion still- was a necessary option beyond the black-or-white of “practice in pain” or “don’t practice and suck”.

I then access pleasure, fun, and delight in this instrument of my divine ancestors and lineage. Even as I’ll be an “amateur” on this journey for many years to come, I remember why I chose her, and why I’ll choose her again and again.

I love the story that

Andrea Reeves

wrote about “Discovering Option ‘C’” and her alchemy in imperfect creativity. She shares about her experience with a practice from Creative Somatic Alchemy to make “bad” art, which I learned from Improv training. She took some space from forcing herself to try to “figure out” a problem and it eventually opened her up to vaster possibilities beyond her mind’s initial conception.

Discovering Option "C"

I’m continuing to learn that I can’t always “figure it all out” by actively doing (or thinking).

Even though perfectionism, capitalism and other -isms tell me that I need to be actively doing more to be effective, useful or blah blah blah- sometimes, I need to step away, take a break, make some “bad” art, and trust my brain and body (and the creative muses beyond me) to organically alchemize the tension.

And then, I can and must come back to notice the shifts and recommit to the practice. Whether it’s cultivating a sustainable journey with playing Bansuri or engaging in liberation work in the face of the ongoing violence and oppression on the planet, the space between can be generative.

Upcoming gatherings:

NOTE: 2 more weeks to apply CREATIVE SOMATIC ALCHEMY

Alchemy Circle is a live monthly space for paid subscribers and clients.
The next one is on 2/21 and the theme,“Depression As a Portal” is inspired by some recent conversations with some beloved clients and group participants, especially in the Alchemizing the Inner Critic Series.

Naming the limitations in pathologizing our grief and sadness, this circle is intended to remind us of the spirit, portals and inquiries that “depression” may be longing for each of us to explore.

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Thank you 💚