The Bully Within
As friends, Jammers, and fellow Substack writers, we – Chetna and Shilpa – got together to check in and see what was emerging. We realized we were both exploring ‘domination’ – internal, interpersonal and systemic – in ourselves, with others, and in the wider world.
Our first post together focuses on the work we do from the inside-out. We believe that tending to our internal healing and liberation is part and parcel of the healing and liberation of our collective. As we walk through a very dysregulating world, it is a necessary activism to regulate our own nervous systems, and to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves (and a lot more) (as we have each written about in our own Substacks).
Here’s some of our conversation.
Chetna: Disrupting white supremacy, patriarchy and colonialism is inherently a disruption of domination and separation. I believe this disruption is internal first before it can really be external; it has to actively include my inner voices of domination and separation against myself and others, right in front of me or afar. What’s interesting is that the tendencies to dominate or separate also seem so utterly or ordinarily human, and very common and overused tactics to gain safety, value and power.
Shilpa: It is so human. I’m reminded of the book, Ishmael, where Daniel Quinn talks about the last 10,000 years of human history as a conflict between the “takers” (people who believe they are above nature) and the “leavers” (people who see themselves as part of nature). And, it connects to the divide-and-rule strategies of many colonial projects. Part of separation seems to be an assertion of being better than, or above, another. Could it be that the taker and leaver also lives inside of each of us, or that we divide-and-rule inside our own selves? What do you think? How do you feel this domination shows up internally?
Chetna: Ooof! Ishmael was such a powerful book, and your point about the takers and leavers existing within each of us hits! I like to think of myself as a “leaver”, though I’ve noticed “taker” tendencies within me too. When I was last in Oaxaca, Mexico among such impeccably beautiful artisan art, pottery, food and textiles, I was so overwhelmed by wanting it all. I had a voracious longing to consume, buy and own everything that inspired me.
I had to slow down and examine the ache of this longing. And I realized that my desire to take all the beautiful things back home with me is perhaps totally human, yet to act on it might be quite colonial, i.e. stumbling upon indigenous land, culture and lifeways and trying to control, possess or appropriate it! I also had to notice my inner critic’s attack when I recognized my taker self. After slowing down and recognizing the longing without judging or reacting to it, the ache softened. When I did buy things with this awareness, it was from a desire to share and savor rather than possess and own, and I could connect with and appreciate all the beautiful things without grasping for them.
How have you been noticing domination or separation within yourself?
Shilpa: That’s such a great example of self-compassion for the “taker” within, and also the power of slowing down to disrupt the patterns of domination and control.
For me, it usually shows up in conflict. I can notice when I start to narrow the field into ‘us’ or ‘them’, ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. I, of course, am the ‘us’ and the ‘right one’. In that state, I move out of listening and being curious and instead seek to win and control. I know it’s my panic zone, and it’s also part of my training through my education and living in this economic and cultural context. Ironically, this domination sometimes comes up while I am working on conflict mediations, where I really want to tell people what to do, and/or what to stop doing. I’m laughing at myself here. It seems externally-oriented, but it is really an internal process.
Even more internally, I can remember so many times in my life when I have thought that I am not enough, or something out there is more important than me, and then I dominate over other parts of myself. Everything from small ways of not taking a rest when I need it, or not getting up to go to the bathroom, because that email is too important, to bigger ways of sacrificing my well-being in service to others – pushing myself to ‘get over it’ or ‘get on with it’. I lose my sense of both/and, and spaciousness and enoughness, when I get into that internal domination.
Chetna: Yes! So relatable. For me, internal domination also shows up in how I punish myself when I make a mistake or do something ungracefully or inconsiderately. The pains of rumination, regret, grasping onto “should’ve” can feel like a futile and carceral way of gaining control. As a leader, I’ve been feeling a lot of remorse lately in how I’ve let my vulnerability or sensitivity show with some of my collaborators. This remorse, however valid, is also a symptom of personal domination (and in some ways, interpersonal when people project narrowing expectations onto me) for what I should be as a “leader” that invalidates who I am as a human first, figuring shit out as I go (perhaps like all of us).
On Healing…
As we continued to reflect together, we named some of the complex layers that move us to engage with personal (and collective) domination and separation: like mental illness, religious upbringing, immigrant experience, substance abuse, survivalist human nature (each of which could be their own Substacks articles). These layers could feel daunting, and they could also be reflecting many portals for healing. Given the bully within, what can towards personal connection, balance, and liberation?
Chetna: A practice I have to keep coming back to is being very present and observant of my feelings AND how I react to my feelings. Using the feelings wheel helps me bring nuance and language to at least some emotions flowing through me in different moments. I have to also name how I meet those emotions. It’s one thing to feel joy, gratitude and pride for example, though if I’m grasping onto it or feeling anticipatory fear of losing it, I’m not really allowing it. It’s one thing to feel anger, grief and confusion, though if I’m trying to avoid, deny or judge it, I’m not open to the wisdom and lessons in compassion these feelings have to offer me.
It’s common for me, and so many of us, to feel fear and anxiety with the on-going urgencies and emergencies in Gaza and Congo and Sudan and the climate; if I react to that fear and anxiety with rushing, judging, pushing, forcing, I am perpetuating domination. My fear and anxiety require me to slow down- however inconvenient or uncomfortable that may feel, and meet them with compassionate acknowledgment and without judgment or attachment. I keep finding that this is a way to alchemize feelings of fear and anxiety into sustainable compassion and creative action.
How have you been fostering connection and liberation away from internal domination and separation lately, Shilpa?
Shilpa: I also try to notice more and slow down when I feel those controlling, bullying, separating, reactions coming up in me. Usually, they arise when I feel urgent and/or feel like my back against a wall somehow. If I can get a little breath in there, take a moment for some quiet, I can ‘look up’ and check out whether or not I am truly pressed. I invite myself to listen more, to listen without JIF-ing (judging, interpreting, or fixing), to take a break from ‘doing’ and let myself be. I aim to try to free my mind (and my inner critic).
From there, I can get into a compassionate, non-judgmental inquiry:
What am I feeling vulnerable about right now? (moving myself from my head to my heart)
What can I be more curious about? (moving from a fixed solution into more of a learning journey)
Where could I use support in this moment? (moving myself out of my narrow field to look for, connect with, and receive other sources of information )
Out of this inquiry, I find myself more spacious, more willing to be with multiple truths in myself, more connected to the both/and. All of that releases a sense of enoughness, self-love and care. That feels like inner liberation.
Stay tuned for our next post, where we explore how releasing the bully within builds a more stable bridge to interpersonal and systemic transformation, aka Healing people are healing people.
 | A guest post by
|
Shilpa + Chetna = Beautifully Creative Healing. LOVE the inner critic visual!