Hard Reckonings & Soft Alchemy
5 lessons from 2 years of sobriety & recovery
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Two years ago, I made a commitment to sobriety and recovery from cannabis.
I say sobriety and recovery because abstaining from pot is just a graze of the surface.
Beneath, this journey has been about unfurling layers of expression, letting out what’s been hidden, releasing old patterns and stories, and unfolding into a truer, freer version of “Chetna”.
It’s been about learning to live with more awareness and connection—with God, with others, and with the difficult truths that, when faced, allow me to more clearly embody love and liberation.
Here are 5 lessons I’ve been learning in this commitment…
1. My sober self is not only clear to receive creative ideas, but has the grit, devotion and community to carry them forward
Cannabis can spark innovative thought yes, though I’ve realized (and research shows) that it doesn’t help with the follow-through.
Being high is not conducive to me being trustworthy or showing up consistently through the unglamorous seasons of difficulty and uncertainty in any creative or life project.
That feeling of constantly having new ideas buzzing in my brain but not having the grounding to settle into any of them has been replaced by a depth and slowness to really nurture my divine downloads. Practices like learning an ancestral instrument- Bansuri or creating devotional art in the face of social and global despair become long-term relationships.
In my sobriety and recovery, I honor that, as a social creature, my grit and devotion must be supported in community. I cultivate connection with other beautiful beings who are committed to their creativity, flow and freedom. For example, in the The River community, we celebrate and amplify our devotions and visions for our flow and liberation. Y’all know who you are, and I 💜 you!
2. Letting go of fantasy makes space for something real
Historically, I’ve been drawn to unavailable people as partners, friends and collaborators—those who were too busy, distracted, ashamed, or caught up in their own worlds to show up authentically or reliably. I would blame them for not being available or present for the care I craved.
When I’d hear the self-helpy idea that we attract unavailable people because we are unavailable, I’d roll my eyes and throw up a finger while claiming, "f*ck that! I put myself out there, I initiate connection, I’m trying."
Through this journey of recovery, particularly in the last 9 months, I’ve realized that being available is not just about showing up physically or initiating contact. It’s about being fully present to reality— not lost in fantasy, pedestals or projections. Getting high, in many ways, was an escape into fantasy, which only brought me farther away from reality and intimacy.
Seeing my tendency to live in illusions—preferring to admire and be admired from afar rather than being in the vulnerability of real, equal, imperfect and intimate relationships— has helped me disrupt this form of addiction. I intend to share more reflections here on this in the future.
3. My (and your) heart’s natural state is open, present and warm
I used to believe the lie that I needed pot to relax in social situations, to be interesting, to enjoy myself and the things I’m doing. It was a crutch for me to feel more comfortable in the social milieu of mainstream relating and gathering.
Particularly in the last year, in lieu of depending on any substance including alcohol as a crutch, I’ve been actively talking to my heart. “Hi baby, how are you? I love you. Will you open?”
Sometimes, with just a little loving attention, she responds to the invitation to open—she softens, expands, the space around me becomes warm and light. I notice how magnetic my heart is to new connections and opportunities, delightful synchronicities, glimmers in our gazes and comforting embraces.
Other times, my heart wants to be closed like a bud, especially when the world feels so scary and untrustworthy. I’m learning to honor this too. In these moments, I find tender solace in solitude, under tree canopies wrapped in birdsongs, and with the humans I trust will hold space for me before my heart returns to her natural state.
As a way of attuning to my heart so that she can guide me with her openness, presence and warmth, it has become a significant self- and community-care practice to get out of my own way by noticing my judgments, resentments and longings without reacting to them, and regulating my nervous system.
4. Under the shame are hard reckonings and soft alchemy
Sobriety has not only brought up a lot of shame but has invited me to serve it cups and cups of camomile tea.
Shame and grief about a decade+ journey with hairloss has been alchemizing into an invitation for radical love, even a primal pleasure in what’s perceived as ugly- which I look forward to writing more about soon!
Shame about the ways I’ve been closed off in relationships has been expanding into a hard though courageous reckonings, openings, as well as sweet touching, gazing and feeling.
Shame about loneliness and resentment has been softening into awareness of my fears, prayers at my altar, and surrendering my will to a Higher Power that shows me what’s possible beyond logic, trauma and my past.
5. Sobriety and recovery are daily devotions, one day at a time
Some days, my addict brain will want to act out through doom-scrolling, eating bags and bags of salty chips to no satiation, online shopping for shit I don’t need, etc. etc. etc.
Some days, I’ll want to numb out, escape, hide, punish, neglect.
I’ve been recording little voice memos on my phone that say things like, “I release attachment to fantasy and get present to the moment now” and “God has something far greater for me than what my ego craves.” I listen back to them to recondition my brain and let the sound of my own voice remind me of my truths.
I write posts like this to speak, feel and trust- which loosens the grips of shame. I gratefully acknowledge these milestones to reinforce my chosen journey.
Even as each day brings its own challenges and magic, I choose again and again the clarity and intimacy that sobriety and recovery give me. I commit to practicing presence with the Chetna- the awareness, that continues to unfold.
Thank you, dear reader for being here and engaging with these reflections. 💜
Upcoming Gatherings
In tomorrow’s Alchemy Circle for paid subscribers, we will be in community around the topic of Sobriety and Recovery. This space is for folks who relate or resonate to the practices of sobriety, sober curiosity, and/or recovery from anything material or immaterial! This is a wide net that really speaks to our overlapping desire to self-actualize, surrender and connect with something bigger than us as individual, pining brains!